the deep book of shallows

I've long since accepted that my children's achievements aren't important to my mother. She ignores their existence except with the random throwaway comment of love to me and my family. Doesn't acknowledge their birthdays or anything about them. Something she had no problem doing with my son. The difference is my son is white and my daughters are not. And the whole one is a boy and the others are girls. She has no problem with her other grandchildren though that are girls (and white) so it is evident to me what the core issue here is.

I've protected my children and I've been rather upfront about their grandmother's behavior. Thankfully their paternal grandmother adores them and fills the gap so they don't really miss my mother not being a presence in their lives.

What I don't get are the unprompted lies. Yesterday she sent me a rather rambling explanation of something that was clearly a lie because I know the trip in question took place a bit ago and not just now. Why even try to act like it is just now I don't know. It doesn't make sense. I didn't ask. I generally don't care to know and telling me this bit unprompted just seems like an attempt to twist how much she doesn't visit us. Which again, why bother? Out of everyone in the family, I am the one who simply isn't going to bother caring about her whereabouts or reasons. She is who she is and that is how she has always been.

It wasn't really a question for me. After Thalia died, I was pretty set on not getting another cat. She had been with us for 18 years and was the last of my cats. I was reaching the end of my ability to just manage all of it. I am the primary caretaker for animals in the house and I feel a bit too deeply sometimes. I just couldn't continue.

The frustrating thing was, it felt like everyone else was just assuming I would eventually get over and get another cat. That was never my intention. I'm generally set when I decide something. Doubting me tends to make me set further into my decision.

Then Perseus showed up. I have never turned away an animal in need. It isn't my nature and with the incredibly cold days we had leading up to it and how scrawny he was, it wasn't a question that he was at least coming inside to get a meal while we figured out next steps. He apparently decided that next steps were that I was mommy and that was that. Impossible to say no to. I couldn't say no to it so we had him for a total of 9 days before he had to be euthanized.

Now everyone wants another cat. Even I find myself missing the furry purriness of it all at times. Perhaps that was his entire purpose. To remind me that I have a home and love to give and that there is a lot of furry purriness that could use it. I'm still a wreck about him. I expected I would be for a while. I feel too much and I did love him even if we only had him for a short time.

Which seems strangely fitting since Monday was a work holiday. It was also exhausting though. I had to be firm in what I want (which may not happen anyway but at least I said it) and stand true on things I believe in. You don't lie to me, you don't lie about it, and you don't lie to a client. All three of these were in play this week.

If it wasn't for the fact that I am their only solution for projects at the moment, I think I would have been called on the carpet for things this week. I don't feel my job is necessarily secure but I don't feel like I can afford to not be firm on things. If I give then others will think they too can do this shit and well... that isn't going to fly with me.

I thought that indicating (politely) that I didn't find something to be a joking matter that it would spark a dialogue. The person touts themselves as trying to be a better person and I'm a big believer in talking it out when it is a difference in view points.
What happened instead is that I was ignored and then some random comment was added which still didn't really address anything but seemed to serve as further justification for it to be a laughing matter. I'm going to ignore the pedantic correction of terminology that someone else gave me because really, if you can't comment on the subject then why not show the learnings by correcting language used in said subject.

So I stepped away for a few days. I'm impulsive at times and I know I need to take a breather from time to time to keep from taking quick actions. I mulled things over and I accepted that the person wasn't as they touted themselves and as long as I kept that in mind then what will be will be.

Then I saw the second post. Yes it could potentially be entirely unrelated to the previous occurrings but I didn't believe that for one instance. Specific things were referenced that I had been around for and knew the story of. The implication, intended or not, was that I was acting similar to that other person which was offensive as hell. I've been an ear and a shoulder and frankly I felt I deserved more respect and consideration than that passive aggressive post. I didn't take a breather at that point, I unfriended.

I'm not sure where we ended up at where if the person felt attacked by my comment that I didn't see something as a joking matter, that they couldn't actually speak to me about it. That post... yeah. It cemented what I had been seeing and feeling for a while.

I am worth more and I deserve better.

It is days like this that I want a punching bag.

To the person who I've been sending money to get through this fucking pandemic because food and bills are important to deal with... what the fuck is wrong with you?
- You want money for cigarettes. No.
- You want money for a present for your boyfriend. No.
- You want money to go get your boat that you were supposed to go out on and didn't and now it has issues and needs to be winched out. No.
- You want money for something fun for you. No.

Maybe that makes me a bitch but I said for necessary things and none of the above qualify in my world. Food is necessary, heat is necessary, electric is necessary and so forth. I'm not a bank.

To the person who wants to drag me into a project because... well I'm not sure why exactly, what the fuck is wrong with you?
- I'm not assigned to this project
- You have two of my colleagues on this project and it shouldn't be this hard for them to reason shit out.
- I am not the person to authorize hours being reallocated for things that weren't initially signed for in the first place.

I am really tired and really, really frustrated right now.

You do not get to tell me that I will end up with some massive project that will be assigned and then literally sit there on a call with the "boys club" to say that my male colleague will be heading it. The fuck?
I have no complaints regarding my job performance. I have clients that ask for me specifically and I'm constantly told how good of a job I am doing. Why am I not being allowed to have the project I was told I would be getting? Better question, why did you not tell me that you changed your mind?

How are you going to ignore the existence of me and my family for months to suddenly drop an email into my inbox about my dad going into the hospital (where he has been for the last week) and then admonish me to not post it on social media?
First bitch, my postings about family are filtered. Family doesn't get to see them. So fuck off and fuck you with your bullshit.
Second bitch, I told all of you that I wanted to know IMMEDIATELY when he was admitted to the hospital. IMMEDIATELY isn't a fucking week later.

Now you want to play passive aggressive texting game with me? Fuck off. I got the email. I'm not asking anything else. My number hasn't changed either. Two of my kids' birthdays passed by without a fucking message from either you so piss off.

It's been a while. I've been bogged down with work, illness and just overall apathy about things. It's not seasonal depression, just my seasonal slowdown. I've always said that if I were an animal I would be on that hibernates.

In either case, I've been a bit on the introspective side lately. While some of it has come about from engaging with others in life, some of it also came about from watching a TV series. It's not that great of a TV series so I'm not going to promote it by naming it. However one of the people on it, they pretty much had a shit upbringing. In response to the start of their life, they have chosen to close themselves off a bit. This was apparently the thing that put everyone else off and ultimately got them ousted. Yes it was one of those TV shows.

My realization was I got it. I understood why the person was that way and why they saw no need to change. It irritated me that all the other people felt like they had a right to know this person on a deeper level and when denied it, felt justified in being angry about it. This is one of those things where I'm not sure words are adequate enough to describe my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

If I choose to let you in then you are a friend. But if I choose to let you in to the point that you see me at my weakest and at my most broken, then you have gained my trust. Make no mistake, the things I post to social media are because I'm okay with those things being out there. I wouldn't put them out there if I wasn't. Those are things I would talk about because I'm one of those people that sometimes needs to let things out via words, to declutter the grey matter if you will. That doesn't mean you are my inner circle though. It's the different levels of social. Would some people be upset that they aren't there? Sure. More reason why they won't earn the right to be there though.

No one deserves the right to the inner person. No one. To even suggest that somehow you hold the right to know the inner person when you haven't been invited, I can't even begin to express the many shades of wrong with that. That tells me that you don't know what its like to hear people talk about things that you would probably know about had circumstances in your life not so completely denied you it. You don't know what it's like to nod along and pretend you 1) know or 2) care about what is being discussed because anything else would result in questions that I know you wouldn't want answers to. You don't know what it's like to G rate your life because lord some of y'all haven't got a fucking clue about the demons out there.

This person on that show did know all this and governed themselves accordingly. It was everyone else around this person that was so quick to be angry at being denied. To my mind some of them should just be grateful that they are going to die never having to experience hell at that level. Truthfully so should some of you.

Some days it just feels like you are the plus one to life. Other days it feels like a constant test. I stopped wanting things from work. Having been squashed multiple times and ideas rejected only for them to be quasi picked up a year or so later under someone else's suggestion I'm just done wanting more. It's like for now I'm content to come in and do my work to the best of my ability and then go home.

I've managed to keep to my personal promise of no stress from work. Which isn't bad 3 weeks into the new year. I figured I might get 2 days in before I lost it. The undercurrents are strong at the moment. I'm not trying to decipher them either. My promotion threw people off I suspect. The people who congratulated me versus those that didn't were sadly telling. It's fine, I'm sure they have their reasons as to why I got it and it isn't like I can change their minds so yeah.

My other informal resolution is not giving more than I get in return. If it means I end up with less friends at the end of the year then so be it. I'm tired of giving and not getting and the only way that changes is to see who cuts and runs when I start dialing back.

I've been busy trying to restock my shop and figure out the logistics and pricing of perhaps moving to a different shop provider. This is in addition to my paycheck job and managing the household.

I am up to 11 minutes of consistent steady working out now. Which is progress I am happy with. I look to continue it tomorrow provided the body doesn't rebel on me.